Smoking hot

J was playing with his cars and trucks in the living room. He picked out a white truck and said to me:

J: Mama, this is for you!
Me: No..I want a hot car.

Looking at his toy cars, he picked out a red model with flames printed on the side.

J: Mama, this one is very hot! See got smoke!

Mooncakes

J's teacher left a note last Friday to remind me to pack a lunchbox on Monday (Mooncake Festival) so that J could bring his self-made mooncake home.

So on Monday morning, I spent some time nagging him to bring back the mooncake so we could see what he's doing in school.

At 5.30pm, the little one called.

J: Mama, can I watch DVD?
Me: Ok. Did you bring home the mooncake?
J: HUH? What mooncake?
Me: The mooncake you made in school today.
J: No...NO Mooncake!
Me: But Tr. Catrina said you would be making mooncakes in school today.
J: Oh.......that mooncake. We had a party in school today, Mama, and I ate it!
Me: WHAT? But I told you to bring home and show me. I just want to see what you have done.
J: Oh Mama, it was so ugly, so I had to eat it.
Me: ..................................

J's first movie

For the first time, in 3.5yrs, J was treated to his first movie. Sure, he has watched stuff on TV, like Ice Age etc, but never at the cinema. The little kiddo was so hyped up about the whole thing. He "invited" the whole family and even his "gf" from school, though we only had 3 tickets. It was quite adorable to see how excited he was.

The days before the movie treat, he did (almost) everything we told him to do. He brushed his teeth with no fuss, drank his water when asked, he was practically a little angel, all because he wanted to see PANDA!

On the "big" day, we picked him up at 5 from school, had an early dinner and found our way to Suntec Eng Wah to collect our complimentary tickets (from our very nice financial advisor), got the pop corns and got seated. Figured out we should get him settled down first. The little guy was munching quite happily on his popcorns while waiting for the movie to start.

10 mins into the show:

J: I am not ok. I am not ok at all.

Mama & Papa: Why? What's wrong?

J: Why are all the lights turned off? Why is it so loud? I don't like it (pouts)

Mama & Papa: Errm...but it's like this in the cinema. You'll get used to it. Shh....don't disturb others ok?

5mins later:

J: I don't like it. It's too loud.

Mama: Eat ur popcorn.

half way into the show, with no more popcorns.

J: I want to go home now.

the scene where panda's Mama got killed:

J: ah.........(brawls) sob sob...........I WANT TO GO HOME

Papa & Mama: WHY?

J: Cos Panda lost his mama....sob..sob...sob...sob...

Papa: Ermm..why don't you close ur eyes and sleep.

J: OK! (snuggled up in Papa's arms)

So it wasn't so great, the experience. J didn't enjoy the movie, hated how loud it was in the cinema and got really upset with how Panda lost his real parents (he had a nightmare that nite). I guess there will not be any movie treat any time soon. LOL

It's all really crappy

The past few weeks have been really, crappy. Seriously depressing.

The result of too much WordWorld

Taking a walk up Bukit Timah Hill. J: Look Mama! Big spiderweb! All of us walking nearer and J crouching down for a closer look. J: Why is there no "W. E. B" on the web?? LOL Well, at least the little one's getting his spelling right

It's been a while....

So it's been a while....and as the saying goes, time heals all. Well, at least we feel normal and life goes on. I still hate it when someone tells us to try again. Don't, ok?

Baby J

Baby J was a brief chapter in our life. Too brief and gone so soon. Only a little bit more than 7 weeks old. Too small for anyone to know if we had a boy or girl.

Baby J wasn't exactly planned. According to my calender, he wasn't supposed to happen, but happened he did. It took me a while to accept it. I wasn't prepared for another baby. I wasn't prepared for 9 months of pregnancy, 2 years of insufficient sleep and 1.5 yrs of breastfeeding. But I looked at Jarrett and knew if Baby J was a gift from God, then surely, Jarrett deserved this more than anyone else. He should have a playmate. So after many days of procrastination, I accepted that I was going to be a mother again.

I did the SOP, visited my OB, took my multivits, and did a blood test to confirm my pregnancy. The doc called on the 2nd day with the good news but ended it with a warning - Ectopic Pregnancy.
Apparently my hormones level was way low for a pregnant mum. But I didn't paid much heed to it, thinking it's just my KS doc on paranoia.

Week 6, days before our family holiday to Phuket, that's usually when a baby heartbeat can be seen and heard. But there was nothing on Baby J. Doc couldn't find any sign of the baby. I was sent to do another more detailed scan. Again, no sign of anything after close to 45mins of probing. The radiologist was called in and finally a sac was detected. After a few questions, like "any bleeding? any pain?" and much frowning, I was a nervous wreak.

My doc later explained that the presence of a sac did not rule out the possibility of ectopic pregnancy, sometimes it acts like a decoy. Especially so in my case as they couldn't detect any heartbeat and the size of the sac was too small. Another possibility could be a missed abortion or a threaten miscarriage. Either way, the doc was against the idea of a holiday. He didn't want me to go for fear of a rapture or a miscarriage with excessive bleeding. Ordered to have bed rest and do nothing else. Took me some time to convince everyone that I was okay and fit to go and that a trip would serve me better than staying alone at home with my thoughts running wild. On a rational side, I knew it would have been wiser to stay home, with medical help close by, but knowing how restless I am, I knew I would go crazy at home and probably gone all depressed.
Doc reluctantly agreed but I was not allowed to go out of the resort and prescribed lots of bed rest.

The resort was lovely, albeit some screw ups. I spent many hours looking out of the windows in my room.

Beautiful scenery but I kept thinking of the poor little babe and felt so depressed at one point, feeling like I was just lying down, waiting for my baby to leave. Somewhere along the way, maternal instincts had kicked in and so did a woman's instinct. And somewhere inside of me, I knew that my time with this baby was coming to an end. Some of the symptoms of the pregnancy had stopped, though I was still so exhausted and lethargic all the time. Spotting again in fresh red with cramps, nothing looked good. I thought I had to take an emergency flight home, but I managed to make it home safely as scheduled.

Week 7, day 3. Another detailed scan. Sac has not grown any bigger and still no heartbeat. Doc was all grim face when he delivered the news. Things looked quite final as he said a week ago that if by the end of another week there was still no sign of growth or life, then this baby was destined to go. Doc offered to wait another few days but from his expression and explanation, it seem quite pointless. It broke my heart, it really did when we made the decision to go ahead with the surgery. I felt guilty, like I was giving up on my own child and it broke my heart to send him/her off without a proper baptism.

I once read a book "Heaven is so real", by a Korean-American who was offered a glimpse of heaven. In it, she wrote that she saw a huge room full of babies and she asked God "Why are there so many babies?" "These are babies of mothers who did not want them. I will keep their babies!" the Lord answered.

I did not want Baby J to end up in this room. I wanted him to know that however brief our time was, he/she was loved by us. I spent some time in the morning before surgery in prayer, asking God to take my child in His hands and also His forgiveness for the anger I felt. My doc kindly offered to say a prayer for Baby J as well.

On the morning of 2nd Oct 2010, our journey with Baby J came to an end. It was a simple procedure and took less than 30mins. The nurses and docs were all very kind and sympathetic. It was a painful experience. Even thou Baby J wasn't planned, it was still so painful to let go. I was shown the "product" when I woke up in the recovery room and I managed to say a short little prayer as I held on to the little plastic bottle. It was whisked off to the lab before I could say another word.

A friend said things like this will change a person forever. Maybe he is right.

~ Baby Jae Ng ~

Sent to Heaven with lots of love from

Papa, Mama & Gor Gor Jarrett.

2 October 2010

Quotations from Heaven Is So Real by Choo Thomas.

Very.....happening week

I turned on the laptop, expecting to write a post or 2 about what happened this week but nothing came out sounding right, so I had to delete everything.............away.
So instead of a really nice write up, this is the summary:

1) Started the week feeling really excited cos there was a hot party planned on Friday, for 2 of my closest gfs who are getting married soon. I was supposed to be a mamasan!
2) Dreading the 1st 4 days of the week, cos of cashier duty at the co's warehouse sales.
3) Turned out, only 2.5 days of duty.
4) Because......after years of no fever, I suddenly had a really high 38.9 burning fever, which lasted for 2 freaking days.
5) On the day of the party, still with a tiny hope that I could recover in time, I visted the doctor for an A-OK.
6) Doc took one look at me and said "Sorry girl, no hens' nite, u've got the HMFD" !!???!!!!????!!! Helllo.......I'm like ancient, do pple like me end up with HMFD?
7) Went home sulking though I have 10 days MC and realised this also means 10 days with no Jarrett since I have to be quarantine. damn!
8) Was shown live pictures on facebook about the party. (feeling real great while I sat in my pyjamas, scratching my hands)
9) Realised I could be pregnant!!!???!!! after ingesting all the meds and high fever.

What a bloody week!