Baby J wasn't exactly planned. According to my calender, he wasn't supposed to happen, but happened he did. It took me a while to accept it. I wasn't prepared for another baby. I wasn't prepared for 9 months of pregnancy, 2 years of insufficient sleep and 1.5 yrs of breastfeeding. But I looked at Jarrett and knew if Baby J was a gift from God, then surely, Jarrett deserved this more than anyone else. He should have a playmate. So after many days of procrastination, I accepted that I was going to be a mother again.
I did the SOP, visited my OB, took my multivits, and did a blood test to confirm my pregnancy. The doc called on the 2nd day with the good news but ended it with a warning - Ectopic Pregnancy.
Apparently my hormones level was way low for a pregnant mum. But I didn't paid much heed to it, thinking it's just my KS doc on paranoia.
Week 6, days before our family holiday to Phuket, that's usually when a baby heartbeat can be seen and heard. But there was nothing on Baby J. Doc couldn't find any sign of the baby. I was sent to do another more detailed scan. Again, no sign of anything after close to 45mins of probing. The radiologist was called in and finally a sac was detected. After a few questions, like "any bleeding? any pain?" and much frowning, I was a nervous wreak.
My doc later explained that the presence of a sac did not rule out the possibility of ectopic pregnancy, sometimes it acts like a decoy. Especially so in my case as they couldn't detect any heartbeat and the size of the sac was too small. Another possibility could be a missed abortion or a threaten miscarriage. Either way, the doc was against the idea of a holiday. He didn't want me to go for fear of a rapture or a miscarriage with excessive bleeding. Ordered to have bed rest and do nothing else. Took me some time to convince everyone that I was okay and fit to go and that a trip would serve me better than staying alone at home with my thoughts running wild. On a rational side, I knew it would have been wiser to stay home, with medical help close by, but knowing how restless I am, I knew I would go crazy at home and probably gone all depressed.
Doc reluctantly agreed but I was not allowed to go out of the resort and prescribed lots of bed rest.
The resort was lovely, albeit some screw ups. I spent many hours looking out of the windows in my room.
Beautiful scenery but I kept thinking of the poor little babe and felt so depressed at one point, feeling like I was just lying down, waiting for my baby to leave. Somewhere along the way, maternal instincts had kicked in and so did a woman's instinct. And somewhere inside of me, I knew that my time with this baby was coming to an end. Some of the symptoms of the pregnancy had stopped, though I was still so exhausted and lethargic all the time. Spotting again in fresh red with cramps, nothing looked good. I thought I had to take an emergency flight home, but I managed to make it home safely as scheduled.
Week 7, day 3. Another detailed scan. Sac has not grown any bigger and still no heartbeat. Doc was all grim face when he delivered the news. Things looked quite final as he said a week ago that if by the end of another week there was still no sign of growth or life, then this baby was destined to go. Doc offered to wait another few days but from his expression and explanation, it seem quite pointless. It broke my heart, it really did when we made the decision to go ahead with the surgery. I felt guilty, like I was giving up on my own child and it broke my heart to send him/her off without a proper baptism.
I once read a book "Heaven is so real", by a Korean-American who was offered a glimpse of heaven. In it, she wrote that she saw a huge room full of babies and she asked God "Why are there so many babies?" "These are babies of mothers who did not want them. I will keep their babies!" the Lord answered.
I did not want Baby J to end up in this room. I wanted him to know that however brief our time was, he/she was loved by us. I spent some time in the morning before surgery in prayer, asking God to take my child in His hands and also His forgiveness for the anger I felt. My doc kindly offered to say a prayer for Baby J as well.
On the morning of 2nd Oct 2010, our journey with Baby J came to an end. It was a simple procedure and took less than 30mins. The nurses and docs were all very kind and sympathetic. It was a painful experience. Even thou Baby J wasn't planned, it was still so painful to let go. I was shown the "product" when I woke up in the recovery room and I managed to say a short little prayer as I held on to the little plastic bottle. It was whisked off to the lab before I could say another word.
A friend said things like this will change a person forever. Maybe he is right.
~ Baby Jae Ng ~
Sent to Heaven with lots of love from
Papa, Mama & Gor Gor Jarrett.
2 October 2010
Quotations from Heaven Is So Real by Choo Thomas.
